Tranquility, Not Love, as The Objective of Marriage

Peace Be Unto Those Who Follow Right Guidance.

In what follows, I should like to offer a few brief comments on sign/message (ayah) (30:21) in The Qur'an. My thoughts are inspired by the observations of the Andalusian Sufi, Ibn Al-'Arabi's reflections on the same sign/message (ayah) as cited in my talk, The Battle of The Sexes.

(30:21) Wa min a_ya_tihi an halaqalakum min anfusikum azwa_jal litaskunu_ ilaiha_ wa ja'ala bainakum mawad-dataw-wa rahmah in na fi za_lika la a_ya_tillaqaumiy yatafak karu_n
And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put affection/attachment and compassion/mercy between you; verily, in that are Signs for those who reflect.

What I find interesting about this sign/message (ayah) is that it is sakina (rest, tranquility) which is mentioned first and muwaddat (affection, attachment) and rahmat (compassion, mercy) thereafter. Furthermore, the particle "li" meaning "for" is used in connection with sakina - "litaskunu_ ilaiha_" - implying thereby a sense of intended purpose. Thus, it would appear that it is "dwelling in tranquility" and/or "finding rest in the other" that is - or should be - at the heart/core of male-female dynamics, more precisely, those of complementary opposites (azwaaj). Muwaddat - which Ibn Al-'Arabi associates with "fixity" - and rahmat appear to be the relational means by which such rest/tranquility is achieved. (I understand this to be relational because the particle bayna - meaning "between" - is used and it indicates both relationality and reciprocality.)

Ibn Al-'Arabi states in Futoohaat II 428.17:

“The profit of reflecting upon this is that when a man marries a woman and he finds rest [sakina] in her, and when God places between them love [muwaddat] and mercy [rahmat], he knows that God desires their union. But rest in the companion may be removed by one of them or both of them, and love may disappear. For love is the fixity of this rest, which is why it is called ‘love’ [wadd (literally ‘stake’)], while God is named al-wadood since His love for those servants He loves is firmly fixed."

Thus, attachment/fixity and compassion are the means by which the objective of marriage - tranquil dwelling and/or mutual rest - is achieved. This indicates that the nature of tazweej (pairing) involving human beings is intended to be one of complementarity and not one of conflict. This stands in stark contrast to fundamental 'Western' notions of relations between opposites - such as male and female, 'self' and 'other' etc - which are marked by two notions, both of which have pre-Socratic (Ancient Greek) origins traceable to the philosopher Heraclitus:

1. Polemos - "conflict"
2. Panta rhei - "all is change"

The former notion is clearly at odds with the central Qur'anic theme of rahmat (compassion, softness), while the latter is, arguably, at odds with the Qur'anic objective of sakina (tranquility, rest, calm).

The Qur'an envisages the ideal relation between men and women as one of calm, fixity and compassion. Furthermore, it should be noted that God/Allah (swt) is Al-Wadood and Ar-Rahman, the source of muwaddat and rahmat which are the necessary conditions for sakina - (30:21) makes use of the verb ja'ala meaning "He has put/placed", referring, in this instance, to God/Allah (swt). This point is crucial since The Qur'an cautions the human being as follows:

(50:19) Wala takoonoo kaallatheena nasoo Allaha faansahum anfusahum ola-ika humu alfasiqoona
And do not be like those who forgot Allah, therefore He caused them to forget their souls. Such are the evil-doers.

Read in conjunction with (30:21), the message would seem to be that if we forget that God/Allah (swt) is the source of fixity/stability and compassion, then, in general (since there are always exceptions), these qualities will eventually disappear from us (as people) and, ultimately, from our relations with others, including what should be our complementary opposites.

The remedy for this situation lies in acts of dhikr (reminding oneself) and shukr (gratitude), for as God/Allah (swt) states in The Qur'an: "If you are grateful, I will give you more."

Peace